The end is near . . .

Again, another entry from sea. I wrote this on my last ship about a week before I got off. This one is different than the rest and not something I usually write . . .

30 April 2007

It seems that being tired out here comes at you hard and fast . . .and all at once. I’m not tired physically. The work on deck is hard, no doubt very hard, but I enjoy it and look forward to a long day sweating in the sun . . . a reminder that I’m alive. But emotionally, I’m exhausted. I have given every measure of myself. Smiled when I wanted to frown. Said “yes sir” when I wanted to say “f*#k you.” Got out of bed for another day when I just wanted another 10 minutes. . . And it wears on you. I can’t do it anymore. I need a break. I miss home. I miss a life where I can escape. I miss a world that is fixed. I miss brushing my teeth with cold water. I miss taking a shower and not having to hold on to something. I miss friends. I miss Texas; I’ve been to 30 different ports in a dozen countries and Texas is still at the top of my list. I miss my family. . . Family. The more places I go, the more I’m away, the more I realize how precious a thing home is. And how much I look forward to having one of my own one day. I still marvel at the time I looked forward, and longed for, the day where I would leave home and get out on my own. Well, I’m out. And now I long for the day when I can return, if only for a brief time – to rest and lick my wounds as it were. I am glad to be out on my own, it’s that time in my life, and I will not shrink away nor flee – to take on the world as the saying goes. But now, I want to return. Return to chase and wrestle with my younger brothers (midget banshees really). Return to sit quietly next my little sister’s bedside at night talking in whispers about nothing at all (until she shoves me off.) Return to spend an afternoon in the kitchen with Mom and solve the world’s problems (until dinner interrupts our genius.) Return to spend the evening swapping sea stories with Dad and hearing a little more about life (until the evening movie and brownies invade our thoughts.) To sit in the quiet calm and comfort of my home. My home until I have my own. And that won’t be far off, I think. God and I have been talking about that (well I’ve been talking about it). I don’t know when but it will be soon. But soon is relative. I graduate in a year’s time and I’m not even sure what I’ll be doing after that . . . and time is wearing thin for some things. But He knows. He knows. As always, show me contentment, Father.

In His Image

Another bit of rambling from sea . . .

Where’s the camera when you need it? I mean, seriously, the most amazing pictures I’ve seen will only be remembered as snapshots in my mind. And only by me. That’s probably the worst part of it. There’s no one there to share it with. To share the sight of hundreds – hundreds – of dolphins leaping around the ship as a small desert island sits in haze just a few miles off and the sun sets. To give it that personal touch there is always that one dolphin that feels the need to outdo his counterparts and so must thrash about in flight and, as ungracefully as possible, belly-flop back into that deep blue. No one is there. Just me. The ship is all bustle about me but I am alone at the rail; all else is a blur. It’s odd I guess that we want to share it with someone. It’s some sort of innate desire. To share beauty. To feel and experience beauty with someone else. . . . .Ahhhh, I see Lord. That’s why there is us and there is you. That desire is what caused you to create man in the first place. To share your beauty. That desire in us is what drives us to seek friendship and fellowship. I’m sorry. This is new to me.